Becoming a new mom is an incredible experience, but it can also come with its fair share of challenges. Between adjusting to sleepless nights, understanding your baby’s needs, and navigating your own transformation into motherhood, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Add extended family dynamics to the mix, and things can quickly get complicated. While family support is a blessing, it’s also essential to establish healthy boundaries to protect your well-being and foster a positive home environment. Here are practical tips on how to set and communicate boundaries with extended family members in a way that’s kind, clear, and effective.

1. Understand Why Boundaries Are Important

Before you can set boundaries, it’s helpful to recognize why they matter. Boundaries protect your emotional health, help you focus on your baby’s needs, and allow you to set the tone for the kind of parenting style you want to develop. They also prevent misunderstandings and ensure your relationships with extended family remain healthy rather than strained.

Example: Imagine your mother-in-law showing up unannounced when you’re in the middle of feeding your baby. Without clearly communicated boundaries, this could lead to frustration on both sides. Boundaries ensure everyone understands what’s helpful and what may cause stress.

2. Prepare for Unsolicited Advice

The moment your baby is born (or even before!), everyone and their grandmother suddenly has advice to offer. From feeding schedules to sleep training, unsolicited advice from extended family is common—and often well-meaning. However, too much “input” can leave you doubting yourself or feeling overwhelmed.

How to handle it:

  • Express gratitude, but stand firm: For example, say, “I appreciate your suggestions, but we’ve decided to follow our pediatrician’s advice on this one.”
  • Redirect the conversation: Politely shift the focus by saying, “That’s an interesting idea! How did you handle things when you had little ones?”
  • Set a clear boundary when necessary: If advice becomes persistent or pushy, it’s okay to assert yourself. For instance, “Thank you, but we’ve decided this is what works best for us.”

Pro Tip: Practice these responses ahead of time to feel more confident in the moment.

3. Set Clear Visitation Rules

Visits from extended family can be heartwarming and incredibly helpful—but they can also add stress if they’re poorly timed or too frequent. Whether you’re dealing with excited grandparents or enthusiastic cousins, setting clear visitation guidelines will help you maintain control over your family time.

Tips for establishing visitation boundaries:

  • Create a schedule: Discuss with your partner how often visits will work for you. Share those plans with family members to manage expectations.
  • Enforce downtime: Make it clear that certain times of the day, like nap time, are off-limits for visits. For example, “We’d love for you to visit, but mornings are best since baby naps in the afternoon.”
  • Limit the crowd: If large gatherings feel overwhelming, specify that visits should be done individually or with smaller groups.

Example: Tell family members, “We’d love for you to meet the baby, but we’re easing into this with short visits just so we don’t overwhelm ourselves or her.”

Pro Tip: Use a slip-in comment like, “We’ll send you a quick text before we’re ready for visitors!” to avoid any drop-ins without notice.

4. Communicate as a Team

Parenting is a partnership, and uniting with your partner on boundaries makes all the difference. Decide ahead of time how you’ll present a united front in communicating with extended family. Having your partner take the lead with their side of the family can also help ease tensions.

Steps for teamwork:

  • Identify issues together: Sit down and share any concerns about interactions with extended family.
  • Divide roles: For example, you might handle conversations with your family while your partner handles theirs.
  • Use “we” language: Phrases like “We think it’s best if…” or “We’ve decided that…” show solidarity and make extended family less likely to push back.

Example: If relatives want to hold your baby right after feeding time, your partner might gently say, “We’re keeping cuddle time to ourselves right now so she can settle.”

Pro Tip: Discuss boundaries together before family events to ensure you’re both on the same page.

5. Protect Your Personal Time

Caring for a newborn often feels all-consuming, but taking time for yourself is essential. Whether it’s a quick shower, a nap, or an hour to binge your favorite show, carving out personal time keeps you recharged. This might mean setting boundaries with family who expect you to be available 24/7.

How to create space for yourself:

  • Communicate availability: Kindly but firmly share your availability for phone calls, visits, or help. “Mornings are busy for us, but we’d love to call you in the afternoon once things settle.”
  • Set time limits: If family offers to visit or help, specify how long you can realistically accommodate them. For instance, “We’d love to have you over for an hour or so tomorrow afternoon.”
  • Say no when necessary: It’s okay to turn down requests for visits or favors that don’t fit your schedule. A simple “Not today, but thank you for thinking of us” works wonders!

Example: If a family member insists on chatting daily, you can say, “I’d love to catch up more, but my hands are pretty full right now. Can we check in once a week?”

6. Handle Overstepping with Grace

Even with established boundaries, there may be times when family members overstep. Maybe a relative shares photos of your baby on social media without asking, or they give you a surprise visit at an inconvenient time.

How to address overstepping:

  • Stay calm: Responding with anger can escalate tension. Take a deep breath and approach the situation with kindness.
  • Explain the boundary: Use “I” statements to express how their actions impacted you. For example, “I felt surprised when you posted that photo without asking. We’d appreciate it if you’d check with us first next time.”
  • Reinforce the limit: Gently remind them of the original boundary, such as, “We share photos ourselves so we can control what’s seen.”

Pro Tip: Assume good intentions when starting the conversation. Most family members mean well, even if they overstep, and framing it positively can strengthen the bond.

7. Set Boundaries Around Parenting Choices

Extended family members may question or critique the way you’re parenting, whether it’s about breastfeeding, sleep training, or discipline. It’s important to politely but firmly defend your decisions and acknowledge that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

Tips for responding:

  • Use confident language: “This is what works best for us right now” is a calm, confident way to express your choices.
  • Acknowledge their experience: It’s okay to thank them for their perspective while prioritizing your own instincts. “I hear you, and I’m glad you shared that. We’re following our gut on this for now.”
  • Redirect their energy: Ask for help in ways that don’t interfere with your parenting decisions, like babysitting or helping around the house.

Example: If someone criticizes your baby’s sleep schedule, respond with, “We’re working closely with our pediatrician on this plan, and it’s been great so far.”